WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
