i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
