My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i've created a new STD.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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