I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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