Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize