Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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