also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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