Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
