She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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