I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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