I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
