I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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