he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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