Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
