This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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