Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
