We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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