you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
my liver is dry heaving
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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