I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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