Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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