I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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