I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
