Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
