my mouth tastes like poor choices
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
