What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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