Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
and she was petting her beer can
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize