I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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