I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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