When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
