I can text with my tongue
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
