Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
