ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
