C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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