Welp...herpes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
