remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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