1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
