im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize