it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
