Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There's even glitter on my cock...
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