found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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