I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
