Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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