i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is Oprah even human
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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