he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
