porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize