im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why do cheetos always look like penises
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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