He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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