uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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