Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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