She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
