Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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