i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
