she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
