not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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