If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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