So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
