I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
